Long story, but I recently started a new website called saltwaterdesign.net, and will be hosting my blog on that site going forward. See soultalk.saltwaterdesign.net.
Wayne
Monday, May 26, 2014
Saturday, May 17, 2014
Of Idols and Old Vines
Like most people, I've known my own share of griefs and pains. Most in the past, a few more recently. One painful area of my life is something many parents out there will be able to relate to: a child who has made difficult choices in life and has gone astray. I never knew a parent's heart could be so tied up in the well-being of their child, or that I could feel such strong emotion, but at times I do.
I have known for years that my family can be an "idol" for me and I knew that was part of the problem. Our pastor, Crawford Loritz, defined an idol as anything which provides us more satisfaction, peace, or fulfillment than God. But with so much pain from suffering losses over the past 12 years, I never could trace that understanding back to freedom or healing. Then on Friday morning I was thinking about it again, and on a whim, drew an idol on paper, not unlike what you might see in an ancient, foreign temple. It was an bizarre figure, with the head of an elephant, body of a man, and snake-like hands. It struck me as repugnant to look at, but I expect would fit right in for a conventional idol worshiper. I thought back to how many millions must have bowed down to such idols over the centuries whenever their farms suffered in a famine, enemies drew near, or a loved one was ill, and it struck me that much the same passions drove those people that drive us today. Tying my thoughts of my struggles to that, it started to become more "real". So I wrote "My daughter idol" under the image. It wasn't that I worshiped my daughter (or this crude little image), but in reality, with my anguish and emotional turmoil, I had decided deep down inside that I could only have peace, contentment and fulfillment if my daughter was safe at home and living a healthy/productive life. Yes, of course it is fine and good to want the best for one's children and we should pray daily for them. But I realized that I had turned my "wants" into "demands": "Unless I get X, Y, and Z, I will not...CAN not be happy, content or at peace." (I know, it sounds like a kid having a tantrum when I put it so bluntly…) God had answered "No" to that prayer (for now at least), but that just made my prayers became more emotional and pained. In my heart, I could see how the idol had taken on a life of their own, and become intertwined with "needs". But looking at that image I had drawn on paper, I felt a repulsion at what I was doing (expecting that something other than God could provide peace and contentment) and started to separate the idol from the need. I thought of my daughter, and the pain I feel given some circumstances she is in. Yes, I do love her and will work to help her in whatever way is possible and appropriate… but I do not need for her to be safe and at home. I only need God and what He provides. And so on…
Looking at the image on paper, and focusing on the concept of separating the idol from the truth, I was able to tear out the emotional pain and angst. I was reminded of tearing old vines off of trees, the kind that have grown so large, thick and bark-like that they seem to become one with the tree. But when you pull them off (separation), you see them as they are: parasites trying to take over the tree. So it was with my idols. Drawing them on paper made it clear to me what I was doing: turning to something other than God. And when I stopped placing these demands on God, or looking elsewhere for my peace and satisfaction, I was able to see Jesus, my risen savior, more clearly, and worship Him more freely.
And then it came...that "peace that passes all understanding". By letting go of what I most wanted, I obtained what I most needed.
It was a powerful revelation for me, but I'm old enough to know that true healing/growth is a process, and this will have to be worked out over time. Since then I have drawn a few more gnarly looking idols, each one as repugnant as the first, as I recognized more things that had placed demands on my heart. And with each one, I again work through the exercise of separating the want/demand from the truth, and as I cast down the idol, I found new freedom to worship God.
So that is what God is showing me right now. The battles have not gone away, and none of the "facts on the ground" have changed, but I feel much more hopeful and peaceful than I have felt in a long time.
I have known for years that my family can be an "idol" for me and I knew that was part of the problem. Our pastor, Crawford Loritz, defined an idol as anything which provides us more satisfaction, peace, or fulfillment than God. But with so much pain from suffering losses over the past 12 years, I never could trace that understanding back to freedom or healing. Then on Friday morning I was thinking about it again, and on a whim, drew an idol on paper, not unlike what you might see in an ancient, foreign temple. It was an bizarre figure, with the head of an elephant, body of a man, and snake-like hands. It struck me as repugnant to look at, but I expect would fit right in for a conventional idol worshiper. I thought back to how many millions must have bowed down to such idols over the centuries whenever their farms suffered in a famine, enemies drew near, or a loved one was ill, and it struck me that much the same passions drove those people that drive us today. Tying my thoughts of my struggles to that, it started to become more "real". So I wrote "My daughter idol" under the image. It wasn't that I worshiped my daughter (or this crude little image), but in reality, with my anguish and emotional turmoil, I had decided deep down inside that I could only have peace, contentment and fulfillment if my daughter was safe at home and living a healthy/productive life. Yes, of course it is fine and good to want the best for one's children and we should pray daily for them. But I realized that I had turned my "wants" into "demands": "Unless I get X, Y, and Z, I will not...CAN not be happy, content or at peace." (I know, it sounds like a kid having a tantrum when I put it so bluntly…) God had answered "No" to that prayer (for now at least), but that just made my prayers became more emotional and pained. In my heart, I could see how the idol had taken on a life of their own, and become intertwined with "needs". But looking at that image I had drawn on paper, I felt a repulsion at what I was doing (expecting that something other than God could provide peace and contentment) and started to separate the idol from the need. I thought of my daughter, and the pain I feel given some circumstances she is in. Yes, I do love her and will work to help her in whatever way is possible and appropriate… but I do not need for her to be safe and at home. I only need God and what He provides. And so on…
Looking at the image on paper, and focusing on the concept of separating the idol from the truth, I was able to tear out the emotional pain and angst. I was reminded of tearing old vines off of trees, the kind that have grown so large, thick and bark-like that they seem to become one with the tree. But when you pull them off (separation), you see them as they are: parasites trying to take over the tree. So it was with my idols. Drawing them on paper made it clear to me what I was doing: turning to something other than God. And when I stopped placing these demands on God, or looking elsewhere for my peace and satisfaction, I was able to see Jesus, my risen savior, more clearly, and worship Him more freely.
And then it came...that "peace that passes all understanding". By letting go of what I most wanted, I obtained what I most needed.
It was a powerful revelation for me, but I'm old enough to know that true healing/growth is a process, and this will have to be worked out over time. Since then I have drawn a few more gnarly looking idols, each one as repugnant as the first, as I recognized more things that had placed demands on my heart. And with each one, I again work through the exercise of separating the want/demand from the truth, and as I cast down the idol, I found new freedom to worship God.
So that is what God is showing me right now. The battles have not gone away, and none of the "facts on the ground" have changed, but I feel much more hopeful and peaceful than I have felt in a long time.
"Remember these things...for you are my servant...I have made you, you are my servant; O Israel, I will not forget you. I have swept away your offenses like a cloud, your sins like the morning mist. Return to me, for I have redeemed you." Isaiah 44:21-22
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Green Smoothies (or "You're eating what???")
Blame it on my cross country coach, Coach Woodward. The guy was a madman who (we believed) ate dog food for breakfast and bullets for lunch. He never seemed happy or satisfied, always on the edge of anger, and more than a little on the crazy side. In other words, he was the perfect cross-country coach. He pushed us with an insatiable drive to go farther and faster, doing what we previously thought was impossible. I'll forever hear his words echoing in my mind: "Don't be a sissy!", "Don't be a whippin' post!"
Believe it or not, we all survived, and I think we all learned something about pushing ourselves beyond what we thought was possible. That's a valuable lesson: to look at your limit, and be willing to see what lies beyond it. And although I don't think we should be driven by fear or intimidation, there is some value in having that little voice echoing in your head, "Don't be a sissy!". Long before any psychologists came up with the term "dialectic", Coach Woodward taught us the concept of "I've done the best I can, AND I must do better." I credit the insanity of my old cross country coach for several things in my life which I may not have thought possible, and which others questioned how I could do them. Even the words "cancer care-giver" seem so light and easy to say, but for anyone who's been there, they know there are some HUGE mountains that get crossed. Far bigger than a measly six mile run in the rain. Hah - sissy stuff!
I was confronted by that brute force intimidation recently when reading, of all things, a nutrition book on smoothies. I've been a fan of smoothies for years now, enjoying how easy they make it for anybody to get in your fruits. But vegetables... that's a different story. The conventional wisdom is that you "blend fruits, but have to juice or cook vegetables". I learned that early on from some bad experiments I tried, and reading one of my favorite health gurus who admitted, "Green smoothies are nearly impossible to get down." Ever look over the menu at Smoothie King? You'll see about every fruit available, but hardly a single veggie. And yet there is so much talk about the nutritional value of raw vegetables. Sure, we can make salads, salads, and more salads, but that gets old. And when I looked at my Vitamix, I felt constrained by that wall: fruits only. Well, carrots, and possibly even the occasional tomato. But that's it. "Green Smoothies" was an alien concept...
Until this past week. I came across the book "The Green Smoothies Diet", and once again, I heard my old cross country coach slamming me with "Don't be a sissy! Don't be a whippin' post!" Only this time I heard that voice coming through this book on green smoothies. And perhaps this time, a bit softer and more encouraging. This author seemed confident that green smoothies, done right, were entirely possible and enjoyable. So, we made a trip to the grocery store, collected what we needed, and brought it home for the grand experiment. I whipped it all together, took a sip, and to my amazement, thought -- "This is ENTIRELY doable. I can DO this!" And within five minutes had downed my first green smoothie, containing about 15 servings of veggies.
Now for anyone scoffing at the need for such nutritional obsession, I'll forego the tons of arguments, other than to say, you just need to view your body as a machine. Would you buy a porsche, bring it home and pour ketchup in the fuel tank? I don't think so. But for those already sold on the need for better health & nutrition, I heartily recommend this book: Green Smoothies Diet by Robyn Openshaw.
In it, the author gives several great ideas & tips for overcoming obstacles, and making this entirely doable. I've never read it so clearly, and am excited about where this can go. And once again, I'm that scrawny 15-year old, bent over in the rain and gasping for air at the end of a six-mile run, and looking up at my crazy Coach Woodward, hearing him say those priceless words, "See - I knew you could do it."
Believe it or not, we all survived, and I think we all learned something about pushing ourselves beyond what we thought was possible. That's a valuable lesson: to look at your limit, and be willing to see what lies beyond it. And although I don't think we should be driven by fear or intimidation, there is some value in having that little voice echoing in your head, "Don't be a sissy!". Long before any psychologists came up with the term "dialectic", Coach Woodward taught us the concept of "I've done the best I can, AND I must do better." I credit the insanity of my old cross country coach for several things in my life which I may not have thought possible, and which others questioned how I could do them. Even the words "cancer care-giver" seem so light and easy to say, but for anyone who's been there, they know there are some HUGE mountains that get crossed. Far bigger than a measly six mile run in the rain. Hah - sissy stuff!
I was confronted by that brute force intimidation recently when reading, of all things, a nutrition book on smoothies. I've been a fan of smoothies for years now, enjoying how easy they make it for anybody to get in your fruits. But vegetables... that's a different story. The conventional wisdom is that you "blend fruits, but have to juice or cook vegetables". I learned that early on from some bad experiments I tried, and reading one of my favorite health gurus who admitted, "Green smoothies are nearly impossible to get down." Ever look over the menu at Smoothie King? You'll see about every fruit available, but hardly a single veggie. And yet there is so much talk about the nutritional value of raw vegetables. Sure, we can make salads, salads, and more salads, but that gets old. And when I looked at my Vitamix, I felt constrained by that wall: fruits only. Well, carrots, and possibly even the occasional tomato. But that's it. "Green Smoothies" was an alien concept...
Until this past week. I came across the book "The Green Smoothies Diet", and once again, I heard my old cross country coach slamming me with "Don't be a sissy! Don't be a whippin' post!" Only this time I heard that voice coming through this book on green smoothies. And perhaps this time, a bit softer and more encouraging. This author seemed confident that green smoothies, done right, were entirely possible and enjoyable. So, we made a trip to the grocery store, collected what we needed, and brought it home for the grand experiment. I whipped it all together, took a sip, and to my amazement, thought -- "This is ENTIRELY doable. I can DO this!" And within five minutes had downed my first green smoothie, containing about 15 servings of veggies.
Now for anyone scoffing at the need for such nutritional obsession, I'll forego the tons of arguments, other than to say, you just need to view your body as a machine. Would you buy a porsche, bring it home and pour ketchup in the fuel tank? I don't think so. But for those already sold on the need for better health & nutrition, I heartily recommend this book: Green Smoothies Diet by Robyn Openshaw.
In it, the author gives several great ideas & tips for overcoming obstacles, and making this entirely doable. I've never read it so clearly, and am excited about where this can go. And once again, I'm that scrawny 15-year old, bent over in the rain and gasping for air at the end of a six-mile run, and looking up at my crazy Coach Woodward, hearing him say those priceless words, "See - I knew you could do it."
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Hitting 40
I’m just weeks from hitting the big 40, and like clockwork, I am feeling anxiety about my life knocking on my door. Questions about what I’ve accomplished, how much time I have left, and what is yet to be accomplished…
Unlike your stereotypical MLC (mid-life-crisis) victim, I feel no need to go out and buy a sports car. What haunts me is TIME…that one chance to go back to school, forestalled by parenting responsibilities that seem to only increase as one crisis follows another. Watching the years fly by so fast, as the window of opportunity grows smaller and smaller…
Arts & Crafts
My bride at work on the front porch, one early spring morning.
Love seeing her in my old jacket…
(This is actually a test of Windows Live Writer)
Thursday, November 12, 2009
A Price Too High to Pay
I went to the gym to work out today, and as I got on the treadmill, I got quite a shock. I started out at a slow speed and glanced at the TV monitor which was playing a commercial with a woman lying in what appeared to be a hospital bed. She was not saying anything, but had this deep, sad expression that words just could not describe. The camera then went to a man sitting next to her bed (both of them looked to be in their 40's). He also did not say anything, but had this grieved look of helplessness on his face. The camera then faded to black, with these words:
"Losing everything because you don't have healthcare is a price too high to pay."
That hit me like a brick wall and I just about lost it right there. I immediately looked away with a tight grimace and forced myself to think of something else before I broke down.
Meanwhile, just out of earshot, I'm sure one trainer leaned to the other and said something like, "Wow – that guy must really be out of shape. He's just warming up and he's already about to puke."
Friday, September 18, 2009
Avoiding the Weak
"Research released this week in the American Journal of Public Health estimates that 45,000 deaths per year in the United States are associated with the lack of health insurance."
Be strong. Be brave. Don't let that number, 45000, get to you, because it does not apply to you. You have insurance, you are covered, so you have nothing to worry about. Your mother is insured, your children are insured, and those 45,000 people are...well, OTHER people. Not US. We have to be strong, to remain unmoved by such numbers. Focus on what is important: your out of pocket expenses, and how they would SURELY go up if we brought the millions of uninsured under the safe umbrella of coverage. Think about yourself having to wait in lines. You hate waiting, right? Remember that. And be strong. Throughout history, it was the strong who survived, those with assets, who knew how to hang onto them. When the Titanic went down, most of the lifeboats were only half occupied. Those inside were too cold, scared, and traumatized to risk their safety to pull any others into their boats. More people would have meant more risk to the survivors, so they braced themselves and were strong. They ignored the cries of those left in the frigid waters until those cries faded away. And they survived until the morning, when the Carpathia arrived. They survived because they were strong, and they focused on themselves, instead of those weak people in the water. Now is your chance to also be strong, and just focus on yourself. 1,517 people died that night (much less than the 45,000 that die each year due to being uninsured), but the strong survived. And you will survive too, because you are a survivor.
Right?
Matthew 25:36
Be strong. Be brave. Don't let that number, 45000, get to you, because it does not apply to you. You have insurance, you are covered, so you have nothing to worry about. Your mother is insured, your children are insured, and those 45,000 people are...well, OTHER people. Not US. We have to be strong, to remain unmoved by such numbers. Focus on what is important: your out of pocket expenses, and how they would SURELY go up if we brought the millions of uninsured under the safe umbrella of coverage. Think about yourself having to wait in lines. You hate waiting, right? Remember that. And be strong. Throughout history, it was the strong who survived, those with assets, who knew how to hang onto them. When the Titanic went down, most of the lifeboats were only half occupied. Those inside were too cold, scared, and traumatized to risk their safety to pull any others into their boats. More people would have meant more risk to the survivors, so they braced themselves and were strong. They ignored the cries of those left in the frigid waters until those cries faded away. And they survived until the morning, when the Carpathia arrived. They survived because they were strong, and they focused on themselves, instead of those weak people in the water. Now is your chance to also be strong, and just focus on yourself. 1,517 people died that night (much less than the 45,000 that die each year due to being uninsured), but the strong survived. And you will survive too, because you are a survivor.
Right?
Matthew 25:36
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