What I'm about to divulge will probably shock some people. So my first order of business will be establishing a scapegoat. If you have to blame somebody, blame this little guy. You see him, the little runt hiding behind the Princess-Leah-wannabe. Yep. If you were a nerdy kid back in the '70s, you probably even know him by name: "Twiki". He is the one who got me started, all the way back in 1979.

You see, I was nine years old when the movie Buck Rogers hit theaters. No-one under 30 probably remembers it, but at the time, it was pretty snazzy. Well, for pre-teen boys at least. The hero, Buck Rogers is a space shuttle pilot who finds himself 500 years in the future. As you'd expect, sci-fi action & adventure ensued, and Buck Rogers kicked the bad guys' butts.

But, oddly enough, it wasn't the character of Buck Rogers that caught my attention. It was that little fellow...the robot...Twiki. I don't know why -- he was annoying as could be, with his penchant for blurting "Bidibidibidi" at random times. But still, this crazy notion snuck into my mind: what if I could build one of those? Hey - I was nine at the time, and already had a few years of schooling under my belt. And with a phenomenal imagination to more than compensate for any lack of knowledge, I took on the project.

Unfortunately, my 3 years of Louisiana public education did not get me very far.

By the time I was done, I had a pretty impressive sketch (er, schematic) of his exterior, with some lines and circles indicating where the wheels at his feet would go (walking was too difficult) and the pulleys to control those wheels. Ah, but for the CONTROL of that movement...that was the big thing. I knew there had to be some sort of control box inside him to manage that control: to take input from his surroundings (vision would also prove tricky), translate that into an action plan, and tell those little wheels when to start and stop. I knew this magic box was the key to actually building a robot, but I had NO EARTHLY IDEA how to go about that. So after a little experimenting, I abandoned the project, thinking that was the end of that.

And it was. Mostly. Years went by, and my life went on in many other directions. I grew into a teenager, went off to college, got married and started a family.

But then another movie came out that sparked my imagination, and again, that spark took me in a different direction than most other fans of the movie would follow. The movie was Titanic. You know the story: Spunky young "Jack" wins the heart of well-to-do "Rose", just in time for them to distract the watchmen on the Titanic, and lead to it's sinking and the demise of many, many people. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But do you remember that opening scene? When the manned submarine descended to the Titanic wreckage, and released a miniature "pet" submarine on a leash, to go explore the interior of the ship? They did not talk about it in the movie, but that little "pet sub" was an ROV - a Remotely Operated Vehicle (and a true part of how the real Titanic was explored). Of course "vehicle" is a misnomer, because it does not carry people, it's just a "robot on a leash", albeit an underwater robot. I can't tell you why, but something about that just caught me and stirred up an old dream of mine: robotics.

I can't tell you why, but for some reason, that dream just grabbed my heart in a powerful way, like having the right key that unlocks a door. It just fit right. Over the next few years, I filled a large binder with thoughts, sketches, ideas, and articles on the subject.

It might be natural for me to say at this point that I chose a career in robotics, and followed that dream, but no, life got in the way. One crisis after another hit, until I found myself as a cancer caregiver, and then a young widower/single father. Through all those difficult years, my family was my main focus, with my job as software developer serving to pay the bills. But deep in my heart, that dream remained.

It would also be natural for me to say at this point that I have laid that dream to rest. Being nearly 40, well established in my career, with a family of six dependent on me, it would be, well, crazy for me to go back to school, to pursue, for instance, a PhD in robotics. Right? Well, some would say that. But a couple of things have spun my world around, making the impossible seem rather possible.

First, there's Gana. Since marrying Gana (almost a year ago now), our household has settled down to a beautiful, peaceful rhythm of life, love and laughter (with the occasional angst that accompanies puberty). Gana has been, to put it simply, marvelous beyond my greatest expectations. God knew what we needed, and He provided that in such an overabundant way with Gana.

Then, there's God. Several months ago I wrote down a list of prayer needs, and started talking with God every morning about that. Since then, I have seen him cross one item after another off that list, answering one prayer after another. When God provides for a need, He sometimes meets the need, and sometimes he completely blows it out of the water. One of my prayer requests was that God would resolve this tug in my heart for pursing robotics, whether by putting the dream away for good, or by opening the door to make it happen. And after all these years of just being a fuzzy dream, a longing in my heart, that dream coalesced into a clear plan in my mind. I suddenly knew exactly what to do, and as I researched the details, everything became very clear (and seemingly, very achievable).

So, here is what I am now looking at: I am planning to take the GRE this fall. If that works out (i.e. I can clear enough cobwebs from my brain to remember calculus), I will apply for grad school at Georgia Tech in January. Coincidentally, GT is just starting a PhD program in robotics this year. IF they accept me, I would start in the fall of 2008. I'll be honest, the odds are against me...but then, I never put much weight on statistics. If this is from God, then the doors of GT will swing wide open. And if it's not from God, well, hopefully I will get this distraction cleared up once and for all. My biggest concern is not about the academic challenge -- I feel ready for that; rather, I want to make sure I keep a balanced life, that I can work my job, go to school, and still be a godly, supportive husband and father. That is critical to me. I decided long ago that anything coming in the way of my family would have to go. So there it is -- a huge chance, a gamble, but something I want to try for.

All in all, I am hopeful. Very hopeful.